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  • Writer's pictureLe Bo

Satire: Quebec Government to Lower Income Tax on Free Agents

In a surprise move today, Coalition Avenir Quebec (CAQ) leader and Premier of Quebec Francois Legault announced a massive income tax rebate on free agents who sign with the Montreal Canadiens.

“We believe that the Montreal Canadiens have been having trouble attracting free agents for some time. With this rebate, we hope to attract star free agents who want a good deal in a good city, instead of signing with a team just because they wore that team’s pajamas twenty years ago, tabarouette. *Ahem* (John Tavares)” a spokesperson for the CAQ said this morning.

The opposition leader Pierre Arcand opposed this rebate, saying that it gave an unfair advantage to already extremely rich NHL players. Legault fired back aggressively in Question Period today, calling Arcand a “Leafs fan” and a “Bruins fan”.

“How could anyone vote for this imbecile, someone who doesn’t have the Canadiens’ best interests at heart?” Legault asked, rhetorically, in Question Period today. At this point, the Speaker of the House, Francois Paradis, broke up the verbal altercation, saying that he “had never heard such serious accusations” and was amazed that someone would “stoop so low as to call a respected politician a ‘Leafs fan’”.

“I have never heard such low insults in my career. I know this is politics, but questioning one’s support of the Montreal Canadiens is taking it way too far,” Paradis told Legault.

Brendan Kelly, writer for the Montreal Gazette, had a lot to say about this rebate.

“While this rebate is good for the Montreal Canadiens,” Kelly wrote, “I still have one problem with it. With the plethora of free agents now poised to sign with the Canadiens, I won’t have anything to complain about during the first week of July.”

To which General Manager Marc Bergevin, when asked to comment, replied, “awww, poor Mr. Kelly. Does he want me to trade Max Domi for a sweaty jockstrap so he has something to gripe about?”

Bergevin further mentioned that the rebate will make his job much easier come July 1st. “with our never-ending road maintenance, freezing, blizzard-filled winters, and reporters like Mr. Kelly, this rebate is the only reason free agents would sign in Montreal.”

Reports that Doug Ford has proposed a 100% rebate on the nonexistent free agents who would sign with the Ottawa Senators have yet to be confirmed.

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